Due to the fact that I had to run around laredo, I took my meds late.

All day I was pissy, or bored. Annoyed. Took the pill about two to three hrs ago (5pm).

I have dry mouth, and I feel empty, or is just numb? My head hurts a tad but I feel incomplete. 

George and I didn’t get to talk as much as I would have liked but I’m excited…

I can’t even smile when I think of him. Excited? I mean I know I am but Why can’t I feel it? Isn’t it too soon to feel the pill “working” and if it’s working why not allow me to feel the good stuff.

So yeah. Sorry, Took a breather.

Hmm, what’s new? I passed my drug test, have no criminal records lol and might start working. Shweet. Hate the location. Though once I get money, I get to help around the house, not that, that excites me but dad will shut the fuck up for once. 

Still craving sushi. Sushi is like the holy grail of sex. Guess that would mean sushi is an orgasm? 

I think a lot is changing, or a lot will change. I can’t wait. I’m tired and I want new. I’m ready for more. 

It’s 9pm 6-28-2012

Random but I just remembered, Today, I say this little notepad thingy on my phone and I wanted to read a message I had there for a while and apparently there was a new entry made hrs before my appointment at the doctors. Except, I don’t remember writing it at all. The message read;

“I don’t feel like a friend or like you see me as your friend anymore.” 

I think it’s a tad creepy.

Dated : 6-26-2012 3:34am

Thing is, my phone was charging in the living room til I woke up around 5amish remembering my phone has an alarm for 7am and Jenn was kind enough to sleep on the couch that night but she wouldn’t go through my phone. Even if she would, why leave a note esp like that? Oh, and I know I woke up around 5amish because once I had the cell I looked at the time and went back to sleep.

What does this mean? Supernatural? lol or am I going crazy and has Amber really surface with a mind of her very own? Scary. 

I Took this pill right after an interview for [Insert Location]. Lucky me getting them good Jobs eh? 

Yeah, I see you’re just as excited as me. The rest you be haters. All jelly I got this chance. Pft. 

Pathetic. Though a job is a job and really I can use a little less of a douche father. I think what’s worse is when he tries to be nice but has no idea he is still being an asshole. 

My apologizes. So this medication is prescribed to treat depression, obsessive compulsive disorders and panic disorders. Side effects consist of “Delayed ejaculation in males” guess I have nothing to worry about there. “Decreased sexual desire” the it says right next to it Unusual. Hmm, Better not usual because I enjoy what I have now and somewhat want more. “Painful & prolonged erection” Isn’t that a guy thing again? Lol “Headache, Nausea, & Muscle weakness”. 

I only got grossed out and “nauseated” after taking them pills but it’s because I don’t like pills. Which is a tad funny because I love XTC. Though if you were to know me well enough you’d know that even my happy drug makes me wanna puke the first few minutes of consumption. 

I got moody today but no unusual. The internet wasn’t working. Only seemed to have worked when I went to the kitchen and that place is hotter than hell. 

Barely getting sleepy as we “speak” 3am. I’ll be taking my meds once I wake up. 

I’m going to need your help somewhat.  Let me know if you notice something off in me. I don’t wanna feel worse than I do now. I don’t wish to reach to the point of feelings so lonely, so empty and suicidal. 

Bad headache. -Yawns- I guess it’s time for bed.

Post two weeks ago on another blog.

My chick friends are all odd in their own way and I love them all just the same. Complicated creatures, I want nothing to do with their drama.

My isolation is working. Before I would just be everywhere and falling into traps and drama, trying to fix shit that wasn’t mine to fix. Though, mentally am I ok? My memory is shitty and so is my focus. I find it hard to sleep, it’s not the internet since there is noting to do on it really. It’s not tv since I don’t watch it much at all. I don’t have a phone, nor am I writing as much as I used to. I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t go out. I clean a lot, and sleep. Sometimes I just lay around. I’m not really depressed because, I’m not miserable. I don’t have a reason to be, unless dad talks to me.

Dad will never change. He will always be Doctor Jackel & Mr. Hyde to me. One moment I want to impress him, be the best I can be for him. I try but WHY? The next moment I ask why? He is an asshole…and I bite my tongue and hope for the best and instead he yells at me for a new/other reason.

“I cleaned the whole house dad ^-^”

“Get a job” - Dad

“I had issues falling asleep last night and felt sick”

“I hate that you don’t sleep, No internet today!” -Dad

George, Well I still talk to him everyday but lately just not been to interested in getting online and that is the only way we talk. Makes me happy still. Like I told fernie though…

“I wanna settle down but, I’m so caught up with a boy who will never like me. How foolish of me huh? but I figure, I’m happy now but, though how long will that last?”

I’ll post some other entries I actually updated in another blog. I just find it hard to stick to one. lol

Fernie, One of the cool best friends, whom i want nothing more but friendship with is starting to ask too many questions and I find myself tip toeing around them. I let him know why though. I said I fall to easy, Already torn between two boys and sex isn’t a topic to be taken to lightly since it got me so infatuated with George.

Jesse turned out to be more of a handful than I could handle and very cocky too. I declined my high school dream crush (that boy you never have the balls to say hello to and just watch from afar) haha. Funny.

David til this day, still owns my heart. As pathetic as that sounds. If it were replaceable I’d tear it out and toss it at his feet and just get a new one. I want no feelings to with him. Like I told george..

“I can’t help but to feel so strongly for him, regardless of how lame it is. Though If I’m able to choose who to remain in my mind, who to think about, it’ll always be you. No doubt about it. I wanna think about only you all day”

I’m such a sap. tbc…